Such a Sicko

This is the 3rd day I had to call in sick due to a wonderful head cold. But, at least today I can feel that I'm getting better. my paycheck is gonna be so low, but at least I have the money I need for rent already.
I'm really excited to move out. Ready to get out of the same house as my mother. She makes me doubt how I feel, and who I am and what I want. It's so stressful. I'm excited cuz Carlos is gonna help me move :). It's gonna be so nice up there. Only one more week, and I'll be moving my crap into that apartment :).

Life

I did really well for a few days, and then today and yesterday I sorta sucked again at eating well. But, I blame that on time. But I heard a quote that's something like "you can have results or you can have excuses." So, anyway, I'm gonna keep trying to get in my water and fruits and not eat unless I'm hungry.
Hmmmm, is there anything else I wanted to talk about? I can't remember. I had a great blog post idea the otehr night, but they always happen when I'm in bed and my laptop is shut down, my iPod is dead, and I only have my phone around and it sucks at saving notes. Haha. But if I can't remember it today, I guess it wasn't that important.

Bah, I'm rambling. I'm like so tired. I guess I should go to bed. Glad I don't have work til Friday. Hallelujah.

Out of Control

Today is a day where life just feels out of control. Entirely. Yet, I can change it.

I'm over my calories.... by almost 500. ouch.

I'm over my clothing budget by $1 and its just the middle of the month. and I'm over my food budget by $2.... no more buying snacks it seems. especially that soda that makes me so sick anyway. and NO MORE SUGAR COATED SNACKS JUST CUZ PEOPLE BRING IT IN FREE! You are not going to STARVE, Cierra. Seriously.

and I haven't been all that productive today. Work is killing me off and yet all my money is going to things that keep popping up. Like the $305 I have to pay on my car tomorrow. UGH.

Anyway, I enjoyed my time with Rach today. And, my nails look awesome. Not to mention, I think I might have the basis of the floor plan for my dream house (maybe). haha. It seems I'll always be changing my mind. Go figure.

And remember

this song can ALWAYS make one happy.

Epic Fail

One day I'm motivated, and the next I say to myself "it's not that big of a deal. I'm not fat." and then I have a date where we go to Walmart to try on silly clothes, and half of the ones that should fit (which are too big of a size anyway) don't fit.....

Yeah, I'm back on. Tomorrow I am going to eat within my calories and drink LOTS of water. I have been TOTALLY sucking. And, all I crave is junk food (mostly) and I want to fix that.

So, tomorrow I am going to document what I eat and make sure I use caloriecount.

Wish me luck.

The Collage

This shows my reasons to lose weight/get healthy. I want to feel good about my body. I wanna do it for my family now, my future love, and my future children. I want to be the prettiest I can be on my wedding day, and who knows how soon that will come. This is my collage, and one day, it will be complete.

Goal Time

Looking at my pictures, I see that something needs to happen. I can't look at myself in the mirror half the time because I don't like what I see, especially beneath the clothes. Lately, the baggier, the better. Trying to hide beneath my clothes.

In 2011, I cut my hair short, wore crazy clothes and tried to get attention cuz I liked how I looked. That's not how it is now. Now I hide under my clothes, my big curly hair, my jackets.

I don't want to hide though. It's not me, and my body is what is keeping me from being me. So, time to make a goal to get healthy. I know I wasn't healthy before when I looked good, but now I'm going to be healthy and hopefully look good while I'm at it.

Here's to a new goal.

This is me my Sophomore year of High School (Fall 2009)
    I was 16. Size 9 or 11 jeans. around 125 lbs.
 This body weight is definitely not my goal but I would love to feel this confident with my body again.

Me right now. Not that bad, but not as great as I'd like to be. I'd like to lose the tummy, drop 1-2 jean sizes, lose the weight in my arms, and especially my face.
Right now I weight 185, size 14/15 jeans and a women's L shirt.










And no worries guys, I'm not gonna do some diet kick. I'm gonna do sorta like I was a few months ago when I was losing well. I lost 8 lbs in 2-3 months and I loved feeling the success. I hope to do so again and change my lifestyle.

Here's to my new goal.

Eat ~ 1730 cal. per day.
Eat ~ 5 servings of fruits/vegetables
Drink ~ 8 cups of water per day.
Exercise AT LEAST 5 minutes a day.

Here's to an improved body, and a healthier one too. Cheers.

Today

Today is one of those days where you thought it would be better than is what actually happened.
I slept in past 11am. It was hard to even wake up at that time. My sister took off work to do stuff with us, and instead she is playing Star Wars on her laptop.
I did dishes, I ran errands, and I worked out money. Other than that, I've sat around, staring into space and wishing I could just do something worthwhile.
My mother doesn't want me to move that desk up to my room yet. If it was there, I would be doing art, or sewing. By the time my mom gets here though, to ask if I can, my sister's will probably actually want to do something with me. Bleh.

Yeah, I'm depressed again. But, o well. Life goes on.

My Lord, My God

 Psalm 147
his understanding is infinite.

Deuteronomy 
30:10 "...turn unto the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul."
30:20 "That thou mayest love the Lord thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life..."

The Lord will take care of me, whereas the "arm of flesh" will not. I love the Lord, my God.

Simple Words

“Stretch out your hand.”
    - Jesus

Music Lyrics

Do i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

One of Those Days

Gotta love when a boy cares, til he sees what you look like.
Gotta love when you need a hug, but no one who's around you will cut that craving.
Gotta love when your writing makes you cringe and want to cry.
Gotta love when you wanna send your friend home, because you just want to be alone.
Gotta love when the one guy who texts you back is because he hopes to get something from you.
Gotta love how you get set up on a date and then that guy seems to want to back out.
Gotta love those days where you feel ugly and fat.
Gotta love when you try to do something for someone else, and it messes something of yours up.
Gotta love when you get everything ready for something to happen, but because of one person, it doesn't.
Gotta love those days when you really can tell that you're messed up.

Gotta love one of those days where you just don't even wanna care.

You just gotta love it. Hello life.

Once Upon a time....The end

Cooper's email that freaked out my phone:

Cierra I love you. But I can't talk or see you any more. I asked you to be there or me and you weren't. I want to be friends with you but you don't seem to care. You told me I was basically your boyfriend and then you went out with Bourne. If I had done something like that you woulda been so upset. That hurt so much. Another thing is your family hates me. Your dad hates me, your mom and sisters talk crap about me constantly. You said that the problem is with you that they hold you to a higher standard and that is nasty that means I'm lower than you. I am fixing my life. I don't give a shit what you or your parents think that shows I'm a pretty good scratch that great person. Plus you act like nothing happened with Rachel which bothers the hell out of me because she caused you to break my heart. Which I forgive her for but I will never ever see her the same or be friends with her. So goodbye and goodluck. Hope there is a guy that won't go through all this bullshit with you. And if there is a guy that is willing to go through what you put me through. Don't fuck it up. I'm a rare person and that guy will be too.

Almost

Here's to the puppy I almost got....
I would have named her Naia

Cooper:
FWD: You still need to figure out your life. You still need to figure out what you want. Also you need to build yourself up emotionally.

Cooper:
FWD: Stop looking for other peoples approval for your life. Stop letting others control your emotions.

FWD: (Timothy)
Charming
Irresistable
Energetic
Real
Romantic
Amazing
[:-:)>=beautiful=<(:-:]

It's not a question of strength, but of will. Are you willing to stand for what you know is right?

Where do I want to stand? Figure that out, Cierra, and you just may figure out yourself and everything else

We let ourselves get sucked in to virtual realities so we don't have to face the suckiness of our own. . .

Am I too mentally encapsulated in my own perceived world that no one feels they can reach me? Am I just "a good fuck"?

"Whatever you want to be...if it is a good thing to be...you can be."

"Nothing...gave her any warmth of feeling"...."She made of them substitutions for the thing she had always most wanted". Hello art journal. I <3 U.

"Who am I living for?"

Oh dreams. . . Why do you have to make me jealous of my imaginary life?

I'm glad Miguel could help me forget about him

It's just one of those nights where i miss him terribly. . .

Testing. . .Is my new account working? Gotta love jerks who have to make you try to disappear

So I'm Thinkin...

Goal: Go up to a guy sitting by himself on campus and say "I'm going to defy all social norms and sit next to you and ask your name instead of sit all t he way over there and pretend you don't exist."

I've been drinking more water than i ever have the past 2 weeks and yet i feel more thirsty and dehydrated than ever. What's up with that? :/

Plan: write, draw, draft, or read during free time. I have less distractions now anyhow.

I never knew too much silence was possible. But it is. Not gonna get easy sleep tonight :(

A Personal Twitter

If you haven't noticed, I put up short posts from my phone. My blog is now somewhat of a personal twitter account, and I prefer it that way.

It's time for me to be okay with being lonely

Little bird,
how can you be so brave
to take that leap
before your wings are even spread?

I love how i'm only beautiful til i won't do what you want.

Turns out Mr. Cute Guy only cared about getting in my pants. Shouldn't have gotten my hopes up :(

My blog is not about being read, it's about being written :)